inertia

I went out shopping the other day. I normally find this affair rather tedious and tiresome, and I get rather bored rather quickly. We were running around trying to find a lamp and a bookcase, and so of course one of the places were went through was a furniture shop. In the past, I could only at best view these as a place where I could receive some respite from all the walking and take a seat, but this time it somehow seemed different. Perhaps it was from my plans to move out next year, or my growing forboding sense of increased independence, or even me having played hours of The Sims 2. The thing was this time I had much more interest in what I was seeing - the style, the size, the comfort, (the price) and I started wondering how things might look in a new place I would sometime call my own. And after starting to care, I also started to have more opinions on what I liked and preferred. What would look good? What sort of style would I want? What sort of mood do these items convey? And, I suddenly realised, just how much variation there was out there. Pretty much anything I could dream of, I could have - given the right amount of money of course.

As silly as it seems to me, I have a tendency to go against change. Rationally, I think that is the only way to go about improving the current state, but there is always that feeling of wanting to have things as they are. Why should this be?

I supposed that maybe I was comfortable as I was, and didn't need anything more. That to an extent is true i feel... Why add something when there's nothing wrong? But on the other hand, if you stick by this too much, you may come to a state whereby you follow this idiom because there is something about the change that you may not like. Projecting forward, there will eventually be a point where a change is less harmful than staying as you are. There is a Chinese saying, that goes a short pain is better than a long one - that is, you may as well get it over and done with now, rather than wait, and have to deal with the issue, as well as the anxiety leading up to it.

Is it the fear of failure? If I try, and don't succeed at doing something, does it say something about my character, my worth? I don't know if I do this myself, but I hate it when other people don't try because of this fear. For example, if in a game, they might give in the middle, because they are not doing well. This in effect devalues the worth of the game, for a message that this sends across to the other people is that 'you didn't win because you were good or you tried your best, but only because I didn't try - I let you win'. This of course brings us back to the way we value games in general - what does it mean to win (is it a test of your capability?). Of course, this kind of thinking (I won't try because i'll just fail) falls in one of the features of a depressive - they probably shouldn't be a part of healthy thinking and attitude.

Is it the effort involved? What is the estimate of what I need to do? How accurate is it? If I find that I get to a point where I can't be stuffed - what does it mean? In essense, it may even boil down to - what is the point? Life, living, it is all one big effort. What does it mean to give up trying in the little things?